Carolyn Hax: Is it wrong to date someone when there’s ‘no chemistry’?

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Adapted from an online discussion.

Dear Caroline: I have had two dates with a man who is a perfect fit for me: we share a lot of values, the conversation is great, and I enjoy our time together. We talk and text a lot (different work schedules) and I’m always excited to see his name pop up on my phone.

But: no chemistry. The kiss at the end of the first date was like kissing my brother. The kiss at the end of the second date was marginally better. I’m looking forward to the third date because I really like spending time with him, but I’m already dreading the kiss at the end.

He has made it clear that he is excited about me and seeing where this relationship is going. I feel like I’m misleading you at this point. I love spending time with him, but I’m not even sure I can take a third kiss. I have never had this problem, and I have no idea how to handle this. Any ideas?

No chemistry: Sometimes the best chemistry is the one that develops from scratch, over time, simply by loving each other. It’s something you both have to agree on and it’s not a fun conversation, obviously. But if you can explain to him that you really have been 100% looking forward to seeing him and that you want to keep making plans, just that you’re not in a romantic mood, then this could be the start of a beautiful…something to be. named later. Something organic.

It would be sad to throw away something great before I have a chance to figure it out.

Re: Kiss: Great guy, had a great time, kissed at the end of the night. Any. Any. We both knew it. We’re still friends, just friends.

Another guy, I wasn’t physically attracted to him at all, but he was a good guy. We dated for a few months just as friends. But he wanted more, so one night I kissed him. He was good, good enough to start “dating”, and before long there was incredible physical chemistry.

I say be honest with the guy, stay friends, but keep your mind open to something else.

Dear Caroline: I have a decades-long friendship with a person who starts looking at his watch every time he asks about me. I don’t know of a decent way to bring this to her attention, or to tell her how this perhaps unconscious habit on her part makes me feel. Aid!

– Wow, look at the time!

Wow, look at the time!: “Am I stopping you from something? I noticed you’re looking at your watch. It’s a polite, even thoughtful question, because of course you don’t want this friend to inadvertently be late for something, or add to her stress if she’s worried about the time.

Talk whenever it happens.

If you get to a third time where you say you won’t be late, then you can say, “I’m afraid I’m boring you then. Please tell me if I am repeating myself or complaining too much. When you look at your watch while I’m talking, I feel hurt because I can’t keep your attention.” That is the honesty that a friendship of decades deserves. Ideally, she will have something in return, or better yet, some manners and respect for you.

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